The Most Loving Thing
Dr Gaye Ortiz
Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of
Statesboro
October 21 2012
“A man drove through an unfamiliar
neighborhood that he considered shady. Its residents were of a different class
and race than he.
And, sure enough, as soon as he drove
down the first block – having carefully locked his doors – he noticed that
people on the sidewalks were yelling and gesturing at him as he drove along.
The further he drove, the more outraged and outrageous the angry communication
sounded.
This behavior confirmed all that he had
suspected and disliked about ‘these kinds of people’.
But then he realized he had been driving
the wrong way down a one-way street! People were trying to draw his attention
to his unsafe wrong-way driving! If only he had paid more attention to his own
actions!”
[Arthur Paul Boers, Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Responses to Difficult Behaviors
(1989), p.121]
Boers ends this story by saying we need
to understand how we contribute to undesirable situations and how our behavior
can be changed (122).
This is probably a sermon that not many
people want to hear; some people may have voted with their feet when they saw
the sermon topic…maybe some of those might be people who need to be here the
most. Because it is hard to stay in right relation with people, especially
people who we’re close to and with whom we have a covenant that ties us
together.
This is a huge topic, and I have had to
work hard to keep this sermon to just over an hour – only kidding! When we talk
about right relations, we are really talking about the first UU principle,
affirming the worth and dignity of every person, and the 2nd,
affirming justice, equity, and compassion in human relations. And those are
tough principles to attempt to affirm, let alone carry out!
Meg Barnhouse knows it’s hard; she wrote
back in 2009, in an article for UU World, that “the UU Principles are demanding enough to
make me whine.”
She says,
“The first one asks me to affirm and
promote the inherent worth and dignity of every person, which means that I can
no longer subscribe to the cheerful Calvinist doctrine of the total depravity
of human nature. It sounds grim, but really, if you are in fact starting with a
totally depraved nature, the opportunities for self-congratulation abound:
“Hey, I didn’t knock over a 7-Eleven this afternoon, even though money’s pretty
tight. I’m doing well!”
Now I have to struggle with the worth and
dignity of people who do unspeakably awful things, whereas the doctrine of
total depravity made that one a no-brainer.”
Barnhouse suggests that at the end of each
principle we add the phrase, “beginning in our homes and congregations”; and
she goes on to say:
Justice,
equity, and compassion in human relations, beginning in our homes and
congregations” is a sobering ideal. I don’t know about you, but I have sat in
meetings about right relations and seen people get testy with one another. Some
of the nastiest behavior I’ve seen was long ago at a community workshop for
peace activists.”
"Lao
Tse, quoted in the back of our hymn book, says peace in the world begins with
peace in the home, which begins with peace in the heart. If I start with my own
heart, the demands of our Principles get even heavier. Peace and compassion in
my heart? Justice too? Freedom as well? Affirming the worth of every person all
the time, not only with my words and my behavior but in my secret heart? If we
added “in the heart” to the Principles, they might as well just say “Be Jesus”
and be done with it. I’m sorry I even brought it up.” (Meg Barnhouse, “Who
says Unitarian Universalism's Principles are easy?” 11/23/09, uuworld.org).
Well, if you are like Meg Barnhouse and
secretly whine when you think of what is asked of us when we affirm the
principles, then this sermon is for you. Because, even though everyone in this
congregation may sincerely try to relate to each other in a positive and
supportive way, we all know that there are bound to be times when we
misunderstand each other, when we do not assume good intentions, when we
approach a situation with perceptions and prejudices firmly in place, no matter
if we are in fact driving the wrong way down a one-way street…
Over the years, misunderstandings,
disagreements, and hurt feelings can cause a ripple effect of dis-ease and
discontent moving outward from the people originally involved to an entire
congregation. That the members can learn - on the whole - to try to respond in
a healthy fashion, rather than leave in a huff or just never talk about the
problem, is something to commend. Building the Beloved Community means taking
our lumps and dealing with them: Tom Owen-Towle says, “Our chosen church is our
principal tilling ground, sacred ground, battleground, common ground, and
growing ground” (Tom Owen-Towle, Growing
a Beloved Community, 2004, p.5). And although we may welcome people to
explore their own individual spiritual paths, that doesn’t mean that they have
no responsibilities to the congregation; this faith is built on a common
enterprise over centuries.
I think that trust is one of the biggest
issues that we might confront in our little community. We saw in our Time for
All Ages that when we are not in control and we need to put our trust in
another person, it can be a scary thing. And if we can’t do that in this
congregation, then we are in trouble.
Because, when we trust another person, we
know that when we fall short – or, using the original meaning of ‘sin’, when we
miss the mark – that we can make it right again, we can forgive each other and
forgive ourselves. Jesus is quoted in Matthew 7:4 as asking, “How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take
the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own
eye?” It is an amusing image when you think about it, and I do believe Jesus
had a sense of humor when he communicated to his disciples and followers. But
it is so true that when we’re upset by someone, we often neglect to look at our
part in the situation.
David Miller, a UU minister in California,
drew up a list of questions that might help us to reflect on the extent to
which we are in right relation with each other in this congregation. We will
not go through the entire list, but I’ve selected seven of the questions he
asks.
1.
Am
I assuming the good intentions of the other? Consider practicing the philosophy
of ‘namaste’, the Hindu salutation that literally means “I honor that which is
sacred in you.” Can we think that in our minds each time we meet folks here
every Sunday? Can you look at someone in the eyes fully, directly, and not
think that? In order to stop privileging our own virtuousness while approaching
others with suspicion, we have to give up our self-image of being right all the
time. How many of us have had a negative encounter this week? How long did it
take you to realize that you didn’t trust the other person? Where do the roots
of that suspicion lie? If we assume good intentions many of our
misunderstandings would never even happen.
2.
Am
I communicating directly with the person with whom I’m having an issue?
Avoiding that person is not going to solve the problem, but again, this is
easier said than done. And that’s often because we have a lack of disclosure
trust: if you speak to the person, will they interrupt you before you can
finish what you need to say? Will your words be twisted and used against you?
Our fragile sense of ego sometimes puts up defenses us before we even begin to
speak to the person…and it may not even be a person, but a group or a
committee.
For example, you may have
the experience of being asked to provide input to a committee, only to find a
decision that has already been made by an inside group. No wonder we hang back
from speaking...but if we don’t, how will we ever change the dynamic of
conflict? But take the story of an 18th century Quaker named John
Woolman, at the height of the anti-slavery debate, who was upset that some
Quakers were slave-owners. As Tom Owen-Towle tells the story:
To
change that state of affairs, he didn’t censure the slaveholders. Instead, he
traveled on horseback, visiting each slaveholder individually and sharing his
moral concern. It took Woolman some thirty years to persuade all of them. But
in the end, not one Quaker owned a slave. Passing laws would probably have
brought about faster results but not without pain and lingering bitterness. As
servant-leaders and as prophetic parishes, our job is to transform people, not
merely to enforce rules, always remembering we won’t necessarily be as
successful as Woolman. Therefore, we’re called to be conscientious, even when
we fail. (Owen-Towle, 82)
3.
Am
I reflecting on what personal wounds, issues, and tendencies of mine that are
contributing to the issue? It’s the old story of the wife who makes her husband
a cup of coffee in the morning, and when he tastes it he rips into her about
how awful it is, and starts a full-blown fight. It ain’t about the coffee, you
can bet! There may be one person who can push your buttons – it might not take
much, maybe one sentence, before you are fuming. Until you figure out who this
person reminds you of – maybe a parent who would speak to you in a certain way
when angry or scolding you – you will react to the person very negatively. It
helps to figure it out, and then the next step is to desensitize yourself to
prevent future knee-jerk reactions.
Pema Chodron, in her book The Places That Scare You (2001), explains
that the formal practice of loving kindness has 7 stages, beginning with
“engendering loving-kindness for ourselves, then expanding it at our own pace
to include loved ones, friends, ‘neutral’ persons, those who irritate us… [and
then gradually we broaden the circle to include] all beings through time and
space” (Chodron, 43). She says that if we don’t question our feeling of
irritation, it is easy to let emotions hook us in and shut us down.
4.
Am
I actually trying to live the principles and values of Unitarian Universalism
by acting with compassion, respect and high value of our interdependence? The
author Stephen Covey (The Seven Habits of
Highly Effective People, 2004, p.277) says that we can lower our
expectations of independence and raise our level of involvement in order to
develop unity between people: “The more genuine the involvement, the more
sincere and sustained the participation in analyzing and solving problems, the
greater the release of everyone’s creativity” (Covey, 283)
In this excerpt from his
book Savor, the Buddhist monk Thich
Nhat Hanh says that there is a human need for meaning, for purposeful
connection, for community, and for real engagement in the world:
All of us have a great
capacity for compassion. We want to help those who are really in need, who are
suffering…But how do we begin? Transforming the world starts with oneself. It
is through attending to our own well-being and staying in touch with what is
happening in our own personal lives that we can have a greater capacity to
understand and address the world’s suffering. We are then on a sturdier
foundation to contribute to improving our world. (Thich Nhat Hanh, Savor, 2010, pp.224-5)
5.
Can
I let go of my need to control the situation? Barbara Brown Taylor tells a
story about the Desert Monks, early Christians who lived apart from society but
had a strong sense of community. Two elders decided that they should try to
have a quarrel like ordinary men; but since they had never had one before they
did not know where to start. Even after agreeing how to argue over ownership of
a brick, one of them gave in almost immediately, and so they “failed to get
into an argument at all” (Barbara Brown Taylor, An Altar in the World, 2008, 89-90). Normally, we don’t have any
problem getting into an argument! And we can tell when conflict escalates to
become destructive because we feel we have no control and we begin to think and
behave irrationally. We try to control a situation in order to avoid failure or
losing face.
6.
Can
I have disagreements with an individual or group, do so in love and respect,
and continue to stay in community? The Native American activist Catherine Attla
speaks of “the big law of respect.” A respectful church “is one where
boundaries are kept, saboteurs are confronted, crises are faced” (Owen-Towle,
67). But how can we fight and still stay together? When we realize that
conflict is normal and that the key to success is to find healthy ways of
dealing with it, we can actually develop rules for fair fighting. Here are some
ground rules that you may already use: (Boers, p.73)
·
Don’t
label or name-call
·
Don’t
attack or question motives
·
Propose
positive changes, so not just offer negative complaints
·
Speak
specifically, not generally
·
Speak
up for yourself and not for others, using ‘I-language’
·
Consider
and respect different perspectives; gather plenty of information
·
Be
open about differences
·
Be
responsible for your own feelings
·
Act
accountable
·
Work
for win-win situations
·
Value
everyone
·
Be
open to change and growth
·
Stick
with the process
·
Take
a break when things get too heated
·
Admit
mistakes
·
When
the group makes a decision, comply with it.
We need to stay connected
through communication: listening and talking and being willing to be vulnerable
without giving in to sabotage. When we feel defensive, we tend to want to
withdraw, but if we can keep talking we can learn together through our
experience.
7.
And
finally, can I remember to ask the question, ‘What is the most loving thing I
can do or say right now?’ The practice of loving your neighbor as yourself
includes the responsibility to be mindful that how you treat another person,
even in passing, can make all the difference. Barbara Brown Taylor calls this a
spiritual practice, and she gives one example: “Next time you go to the grocery
store, try engaging the cashier. Here is someone who exists even when she is
not ringing up your groceries, as hard as that may be for you to imagine. It is
enough to acknowledge her when she hands you your change. Just meet her eyes for
a moment when you say, ‘Thanks’. Sometimes that is all another person needs to
know that she has been seen – not the cashier but the person.” (Barbara Brown
Taylor, 94-5).
How much more important is
this question when we are in conflict with another person! Words can hurt or
heal, gestures can comfort or ridicule. If we try to respect change,
difference, and even conflict, we can avoid destroying - and may even salvage -
relationships. How can we manage the conflict and manage to keep our
relationship intact? Caroline Westerhoff makes an interesting point about the
root word of manage:
The
root of manage is the Latin for hand – manus – and when I think of hands, I
recall Michelangelo’s great work fro the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, The
Creation of Adam… In my imagination, a spark fairly sizzles in the space
between them as God sets it all in motion for the very first time: ‘Be different,
Adam. But you will not be alone in that differentness. There will be other
different ones. Create with them.’ God’s hand is open…It is not shaking Adam
into life but is energizing him by invitation…
Perhaps
Michelangelo’s genius has provided us with needed fresh perspective. Hands –
management can be perceived as instruments either for controlling, checking,
holding, taking, restraining and even strangling or for guiding, pointing,
stroking, kneading, giving away, letting go. To manage conflict then would be
to allow it, not suppress it; to open our doors and windows to its fresh wind. (Westerhoff,
“Conflict: The Birthing of the New” in David B. Lott, ed., Conflict Management in Congregations, 2001, p.57)
Maybe something you’ve heard this morning
will come back to you when you are confronted with a situation where conflict
may be about to erupt. You have a choice as to how you respond; be mindful
about the power that entails. The relationship you save may be worth so much
more than the momentary satisfaction of a sharp word, an insult, or an insult.
And when someone tries to engage you in a disagreement or an argument, think
about what may be going on in that person’s life; Plato said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
Change is inevitable, and often with it
comes conflict. Tolerating difference, respecting diversity, practicing empathy
and compassion, normalizing conflict, and fighting fair can help us, as Hosea
Ballou says, “keep the unity of the spirit in the bonds of peace.” NAMASTE.
Gaye Ortiz
